Clearing Clutter, Old Stuff, and Cleansing

I have been back in central Florida since Wednesday night (14 Oct.).

Thursday was spent running errands on the Gulf Coast punctuated by an hour at the beach, where, blissfully, I had a chance to swim for a short while. So healing.

Friday I got a trip to a bookstore cafe where I practically inhaled my old fave design, decor and creative magazines.

At the house, I have been surrounded by kittehs and basking in their love. Did some backyard gardening clean up, any therapy for me.

And I have begun the process of sorting through all stored STUFF with the intent of repacking it more neatly as well as discarding A LOT of it.

I have bagged several pieces of clothing which don't fit, for donation. I have discarded old paper odds and ends I have the bad habit of collecting and never looking at again.

And now I am into some old decor from previous residences...inc my summer of 2005 beach apartment collection of seashells, seaglass and other coastal decor items.

I know releasing old unused things is good for the soul, cleansing, healing.

But it is also tedious and sometimes depressing.

I have to keep reminding myself that things are just things, that I do not need or have room for all these things, and that when I eventually DO have room, that all things can be replaced with new and better things.

This is a tough time for me. It's hard to explain to anyone who has never been in my situation.

I have not had a stable home since my granny died and I got involved in an abusive relationship shortly after.

The relationship ended with me in a temporary shelter...but it has been virtually impossible to find stable work or a long term home since leaving the shelter.

I have taken unsuitable jobs all over the country, trading my personal needs and wants for a roof over my head.

I have worked numerous jobs over the past five years which provided housing, usually a dorm room, and at least partial board.

I have lived in dorm rooms and mini studios with alcoholic roommates and been attacked by other roommates.

I have been discriminated against, lied to, and mistreated by co-workers and management because I never fit in, never should have taken those jobs.

I did not see any alternatives, at the time.

And now? Having vowed never to work in such a place/position ever again, I find myself on the verge of a 5 month sojourn across a virtual unknown...India...with barely enough money to squeak by.

And after India? If I survive...

In 2010 I head back to the general area (within a 2 hr drive of) where I was born and raised, volunteering on a WWOOF farm.

Another room and board position, only this time actually doing something I enjoy (gardening, crafts, related tasks).

And when October 2010 rolls around?

Where will I go then? Will I stay in that general area or take whatever online earnings I've saved over the season and try yet again to start somewhere new?

Being 41 and a drifter sure is not easy nor what I wanted...

Sooner or later, I have to find my place, my people, the right job.

Sooner or later, I will be at rest...physically, mentally, emotionally.

I wish someday would show up on the horizon, though, because I am tired, and tired of being tired.

I want to rest. I want my life back.

The Journey Continues

As discussed in my previous entry, I am in a process of leaving a way of life I have followed for several years and clearing the way for something NEW.

The trouble is the transitioning.

There is still a lot of muck to trudge through between "here" and "there".

The job in Colorado ended roughly 10 days ago. I have been waiting in limbo in my dorm room at company housing for the day of my return to central FL to arrive.

Blissfully, tomorrow morning I will be en route to the airport by 8am and I cannot wait.

Everything is packed...more or less.

Most of the cleaning is done.

I have sorted through and thrown away dozens of items/pieces of clothing I no longer use or wear. Some was harder to get rid of than others...but I just grit my teeth and kept throwing things away. Honestly, I probably should get rid of even more. My luggage is going to be borderline overweight...again.

Tomorrow night I will be in a big bed surrounded by CATS!

Thursday we are going to a Gulf Coast BEACH!

Friday I am going to a bookstore whether I go alone by bus or with a roommate. I am so starved for bookstore cafe magazine time!

Then Saturday will start the process of purging stored items I just cannot take with me...after India.

India looms, now. Exactly two weeks from today I will board the plane for Mumbai. (see Sacred Sojourns for my itinerary in India)

Money is much tighter than planned and I am scared.

Tearful "mini"panic attacks hit me at odd moments.

I am terrified of running out of cash and being penniless in a foreign country with nowhere to turn for help.

I am afraid of being too scatter-brained to get the necessary things accomplished before departure...I have tried making lists but am not organized enough right now to know if I am forgetting anything or even where some of my details are!

I am also afraid of getting sick from contaminated food or water. I have no anti-malarial meds and no immunizations (they are "recommended" but not required, and I did/DO not have the money for optionals).

All I can think about is what I want for AFTER India...

Plans are still nebulous but barring unexpected events, I will be back in the northeast in early April working on a WWOOF farm about 2 hrs drive (if that) from where I grew up.

My goal is to get settled in an area and start focusing more on succeeding with my arts/crafts goals.

The greater Philadelphia area (inc Wilmington and Newark, DE) will have to suffice.

Yes, I still long for broader horizons, but until I am able to afford it, meaning...have a home to travel out from/back to, that will have to wait.

My heart still yearns and I still dream...I think about seeing Chengdu and Xian and southwestern China's ancient Silk Road towns, about exploring Angkor Wat, about breezing through Morocco. Part of me still wants to make Dublin my home and part of me longs for Edinburgh. And random thoughts to live in Germany or Austria or France pass through my mind...

I do not understand it and I do not know if I will ever be satisfied.

I long for a home, I dream of a home, but I have no idea where or how.

It's frustrating to feel so sad and confused.

Maybe once I am in metro Philly the feeling will go away. Maybe I will be so thankful for a return to a landscape, climate, and way of speaking/doing that is "familiar" that I will no longer long for far horizons.

Maybe proximity to an urban environment...Philly, Baltimore, DC, NYC...will fulfill most of my longings.

Maybe I will be content to grow a garden, have tea and sit in bookstore cafes...

Maybe...

Aligning Inner Life with Work Life

I have been thinking more and more, in the past month, about how who I am and what I want and believe is not at all reflected in the work I do. I have comprised almost everything in order to have a safety net, a roof over my head, food, and income.
But over and over I find myself hating this life and berating myself over the brutal facts...this life is killing me even while it pays the bills (so to speak).
I cannot work in the seasonal hospitality/tourism field ever again after this season. Some people are cut out for it...I am not.

Which leaves me, teary eyed, contemplating how on earth I am going to afford a place to live after next April (2010), after my trip to India. I have applied to live & work at a Buddhist retreat in California and am hoping it is destined and aligned with my goals, path.
If not, que sera sera, and I will have to figure out something else.
I was on foodstamps while living in Arizona and while not proud, it did help me survive. I can do it again if I absolutely have to.
But I don't want to and it is not my intention.

My INTENTION is to somehow turn my passion for travel, photography, art and design, and writing, into a full time income without sacrificing my sanity in order to do it!
Right now I am making a whopping $10/month off two Squidoo accounts (don't ask how that's all I'm making with over 65 lenses, most ranked well above 50000)...and earn another $55 or so every 2-3 months split between 5 Zazzle galleries. My etsy jewelry shop brings in the occasional sale of between $20-70 but not on a regular basis.
So, clearly I am either doing something terribly wrong or have extraordinary bad luck!

I am trying to focus on my photography more and have been adding to and promoting my 2 online photo galleries at Western Skies and CrypticFragments. Just today I re-opened my Greeting Card Universe shop . I also have plans to sell my photography as notecards, postcards and other gifts in a new etsy shop (no listings as yet).

Will all this be enough? I imagine I will still have to rely on at least part-time work in either a shop or other field to stay off welfare.
So...what jobs will not destroy me as they support me? As an HSP, it is recommended not to work over 30 hrs/wk, preferably 25.
I wouldn't mind doing part-time childcare, grocery or retail (arts/crafts/gift) cashier, or retail warehouse. But to THRIVE, I prefer to be involved in gardening (I'm a great gardener, love getting dirty, and time flies when I'm in the garden) or something creative.
I'd love to give weekly creative or gardening workshops, but to do that I'll need a stable home and a place to hold the groups, for starters.
I enjoy doing housework and would be ok with being a live-in housekeeper in exchange for room and full board (have done that before)...or a full time housesitter.

As for location, I am open, although more and more these days I miss being close to the sea, or some other large body of water (lake, river). I need to refresh my soul, recharge, by being in nature. At the very least a large park or garden would suffice.
I am not bound to the US although legally and financially it's more practical for me to stay here for the time-being.

My greatest hurdle in finding permanent work is the fact that I have been traveling and doing seasonal jobs since 2005. In my experience, employers see that you have moved and changed jobs often and rule you out before they know why or understand that you really WANT to find stable work.
If anyone has ideas how to use travels/seasonal work as an ADVANTAGE rather than a hurdle in the real world, please please clue me in!

So...if you have suggestions, advice, ideas, links, or are simply pondering the same things in your life...please share by commenting! I welcome and read all relevant comments.

Not Really "Home"sick

I'm sure I've mentioned this topic before...possibly more than once. I've been feeling a bit melancholy this evening after chatting w/someone from my original home region (about 25 miles from my actual hometown of York,PA...where I haven't lived since 2004 & that for only 4 yrs after leaving in 1992 & 1997)...

Anyway, we mentioned The York Fair (the GREAT York Interstate Fair) and suddenly I found myself "homesick"...for scenes, familiar rituals and ways of being and landscapes which are part of my deepest self.

At times I think of moving back, but I don't think I really mean this. I never belonged there when I WAS there & do not think I could ever really fit in. (As if I'll ever really fit in ANYWHERE)...

Odd, isn't it, how one hour I am fantasizing about moving to India or Nepal & traveling to Cambodia to explore Angkor Wat, and the next I am longing for funnel cakes, corn fields, and stuff I never even did like high school football games or just strolling streets I once knew.

I think about moving to someplace "near" where I grew up...like Lancaster or Harrisburg or Philadelphia...places where things will still be familiar but not hold the negative memories or evil temptations associated w/my old stomping grounds (some of which I know still exist).

No, I can never go back there, as they say.

It may be where I grew up, but it is NOT my home. I don't really have a home...or if anything, central Florida where I fled to in the early 90s is more home than York was...but even the parts of that I knew so well no longer exist or have changed beyond recognition.

Whatever I am longing for is not a place but a sense of comfort, familiarity, belonging...

Sorry, just thinking out loud (AGAIN).

The weather has turned colder with highs in the mid-upper 60s again, scattered rain on & off most of the day, even some snow showers in the higher elevations (above 10000 ft)...

Soon the peaks will be dusted white, the aspens will begin to yellow, and the days grow steadily shorter.

There are only 8 wks left in the season at Trail Ridge IF we stay open til mid-October (dependent on weather ie ice/snow conditions up top).

I am eager to get it over with!

It has been a long, tiring, stressful season and my soul is ready for rest.

Plans for India Progressing

Since my last post, I have been researching places to visit and possible programs with which to volunteer in India.
Yesterday I filled out the online visa application and got together my supporting documents. Today I need to get downtown to find a FedEx office from which to ship the package...after that it is a matter of waiting, hopefully no more than 2 weeks, til the approval comes.
Then the next step will be making my booking!
WOW

Another new development is that I DID in fact get a msg from my college friend in Mumbai, inviting me to stay at his home while in that town, and offering to assist with my further travel plans. So I will probably acclimate in Mumbai for a week or 10 days, not to outstay my welcome, and hopefully will get to see the Elephanta Caves as well as British Raj sites to further understand the "recent" history of the area.
After that I will move on to the Delhi/Golden Triangle area.
I am researching a volunteer program in Jaipur which lasts 4 weeks.
Many of my other planned stops are also in Rajasthan...Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, possibly Udaipur. Then on to Varanasi before heading up to Himachal Pradesh state (esp Dharamsala to be near the Dalai Lama).

I want to have plans but also be flexible.

Midlife crisis? Madness? Or Breakthrough?

About a week ago, as I was musing on twitter (CrypticFragment) ,I received a message with a quote from Gandhi regarding serving others to discover your self.
I'm not sure why, but it made me revisit the volunteer website of the group I was going to go to Morocco with...and then to google the town where their programs in India happen...which eventually led to discovering that it is cheaper to spend the off season in India than in Denver!
And since my FL roomies seem indecisive about how long I will be welcome at their home, I was ok w/scheduling a 2-3 wk stop over there en route to Delhi!

I then proceeded to msg my college bf who lives in Mumbai...last year he was trying to get me to visit him there, but he'd be drinking every time he called, and I finally asked him to stop. He has not answered me this time, but that is not going to deter me in the least.

I joined some groups on couchsurfing and began contacting potential hosts and sources of info.
I began researching airfares and hotel costs (incredibly cheap!) in various historic sites in India.
And I began to form my itinerary.

My goal is to spend almost the entire off-season in India and Nepal. I want to have a fairly accessible "modern" location to arrive and acclimate, so my first thought was Mumbai, but as there is nothing in the vicinity of Mumbai I want to visit, barring an unlikely (and probably unwise) reunion w/that college bf, I am now more focused on Delhi.
Delhi is part of the Golden Triangle, the popular tourist route also including Jaipur (the Pink City) and Agra (site of the Taj Mahal)...my first few planned stops.
I would estimate a total of 3 weeks between the three before moving on to Varanasi, the most ancient and most holy city in India, and probably one of the most difficult to manuever.

From Varanasi I may get the international bus to the Nepali border. My plan is to spend at least 10 days in Kathmandu and then possibly Pokhara.This portion of the journey is uncertain. Alternately I may fly into Kathmandu then bus to Pokhara.

After leaving Nepal, I plan to head on to Shimla then Dharamsala, home of the exiled Dalai Lama and the exiled Tibetan government, where I could stay as long as 4 months.
Depending on travel options and political situation, I would also like to visit Srinagar and maybe Leh (Ladakh) in Kashmir.

The total duration of the trip will be from the last week of October until at least the last week of March, maybe beyond.
I am currently getting documents together to apply for my one year, multiple entry India visa. I want to apply for that length in case I return next autumn!

The main purpose of my visit? I keep saying I want to get lost in order to get found. I want to challenge my beliefs, stretch my boundaries...yes, I might even call it a spiritual journey.
In addition I want to see new sights, explore a foreign environement, chronicle ancient places in both words and images.
I want to shake up my world, which has become a little too rote, recently.

And hopefully after I return I will be rehired here at RMNP, whether in warehouse or F &B, in order to pay for yet another adventure...or settling down, whichever happens...NEXT autumn!

I have actually started giving away clothing and other items I do not use or love in preparation for the letting go. I want to go only with what I can carry.

There will be a new blog to chronicle this adventure, coming by the end of next week. I am currently trying to come up with a somewhat original title for it.
Stay tuned.

Stark Beauty

View from Bear Lake
Stark Beauty
Originally uploaded by CrypticFragmentsTook a walk around Bear Lake in RMNP yesterday. Despite the crowds and overcast weather, I was able to enjoy some stunning scenes of natural beauty and peace including this view of the lake, itself...

The past few weeks have been very hectic and stressful to me.
On the work front, the store has been busy, tourists have been crank, co-workers have been rude and/or lazy, and I have been busting my ass for little (if any) respect.
It has always been very important to me that my co-workers and mgrs recognize my hard work, devotion, and knowledge on the job...here I am given NONE of that and treated like a freakin' peon..treated equal to those who hide from/avoid their assignments, don't show up when scheduled, etc. It's appalling.

My only escape has been hiking. I have done some "doozies" this year including the descent of the Ute Trail and climbing nearly all the way to the summit of Mt. Ida (16 miles r-t).
This weekend, still recovering from a major sunburn and near exhaustion, I chose to do a short walk instead, and rode the public hiker shuttle to Bear Lake. It was crowded and the tourists were loud and disrespectful. However, it also provided some of the most awe~inspiring scenery I have yet seen in the park, as seen in the photos above and below.
Hallet Peak from Bear Lake parking lot.

In all seriousness, I could use another day or two to completely regain my equilibrium. I am not yet totally refreshed, recharged, refueled, rested...however you want to say it.
Both my body and my soul are still regrouping and recouping.
I am tired.
Physically tired from hiking and running around at work at 12,ooo ft
Mentally tired from trying so hard when no one notices or cares.
And not sure how to keep a level head and healthy body when the time to heal is shorter than the time of harm on a weekly basis.
The truth is, I have lost my motivation. I simply do not care anymore, either.
I don't feel the need to live up to my potential when it doesn't matter how much I do or how hard I try.
This is NOT my life. This is a job. I do not HAVE to come back next year. There are always other options.

The weather has cooled dramatically in the past 2 days and we are getting more rain, again. I would not be surprised if this rain soon turns into snow on the highest peaks.
I imagine we may have snow days by the end of August.
Four of our employees will be leaving in less than 2 weeks, several others by the end of August.
We will be going back to single shift by mid-August, also.
I am thinking about October...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh October.
End of the season...October. Going back to Florida for a BREAK October.

After that...who knows. At least this year I have some savings to fall back on, unlike other seasons. There are options and opportunities.

I wonder what life will bring me next.